Monday, July 25, 2016

To get your morning going, all you need is coffee...

Your barista did what?!

I get it, you're on edge because your toddler chose 2am to start complaining about their new molar. You stayed up too late watching reruns of Friends, even though you've seen them all 23 times they just suck you in. It took you 15 minutes this morning to coach yourself out of bed and into the shower, where you shaved one leg and managed to smear last night's eye-liner over half your face. #Fail.

Now you're in line at the coffee shop, or coffee shoppe if you're #snooty, and the barista is going slow just to make you suffer. He's all nicely caffeinated and chipper in his man-bun and suspenders. When you finally get up to order, he asks How are you doing? What a jerk. You order an extra shot of espresso and he comments on it must be a rough morning. 

You're now waiting for you coffee behind Miss Chats-A-Lot in her yoga pants and messy braid. She's the walking the line perfectly between trying just enough to make it not look like she's trying, and having stupidly good genetics. She chats up man-bun like she's a gift to society and their too busy making googly eyes to focus on why their here. #Coffee.

If you've made it this far and everything is lining up with the morning you had, stop reading!

I know, why would I tell you to stop reading my blog? That's craziness. Don't worry about the reason, just sit back and drink that foamy latte that took way too long to make, and come back when you're fully caffeinated.

!WARNING! ***Only highly, sufficiently, wonderfully caffeinated people beyond this point.*** !WARNING!

Now that you're in a safer frame of mind, let's switch gears. Here are the top reasons you should be nice to your barista.

5. Baristas are people, too.

I know it doesn't seem like it, but that slightly disheveled hipster behind the counter is in fact a human-being. Just 3 hours ago, he resembled a zombie just like yourself. If you've ever worked in customer service, think back to your frustrations. Don't be that rude, self-absorbed customer. Be a respectful human-being, and maybe, just maybe, try to be semi-pleasant.

4. Baristas love coffee, just like you.

In the afternoon, when you're drinking coffee out of pleasure and not necessity, think about that love. Perfectly brewed espresso with foamy milk on top. The smell of roasted coffee beans and the whir of the grinder. #Beautiful.

You may not understand their sense of style, hygiene, or quantity of hair product, but you can find common grounds. (Grounds...get it?) #Punny.

3. Baristas working while you're still picking up coffee.

You're feeling like this 4th Monday of the week is going to be your last. How can anyone expect you to work? Your brain might explode from all the activity and pressure placed upon it. Mr. Workaholic emailed you 6 times last night between the hours of a normal person's bedtime and are you kidding me it's too early.

Hello Marcie,

I have something super important to tell you, and I keep vampire hours...yada, yada,'re not as good of a worker as me because you need sleep.

Have a good morning whenever you decide to actually start your day,
Mr. Workaholic

Your barista has similar struggles, only they have to start working at the hour of 'are you kidding me it's too early'. It may still be your morning, but it already feels like their afternoon. You wouldn't want someone barging in and grumpifying your afternoon, so don't do it to them.

2. Baristas are fragile beings, don't upset them.

People are mean, in general. You may feel justified in your angry-pants, but you're just the 100th ornery person the barista has dealt with this hour. If you play your cards wrong, it could be their last straw. Your gruntled grumbling sets them off, they rip off their apron and storm out...and guess what, you get no coffee. #Karma

1. Baristas are your lifeline. 

Sure, you can make coffee at home, but every time you try to steam up some frothy milk, you end up scalding yourself, staining your shirt, and waisting the milk your child should have had with breakfast. You're out of your league. There are a lot of things you do right, but a coffeehouse-quality espresso is not one of them. Don't rock the boat, don't tip the boat over. Protect the relationship between you and your barista.

Next time I'm behind you in line, I better hear your pleasant voice.

I'm doing well, how are you?
Thank you, have a great day!
You always make my morning better!
See you this afternoon!

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