Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Your dog is cute, but my kid is cuter...

Let's agree that when she turns 2-years-old, we stop comparing her to your pets.

You're an animal lover, I get that. Once upon a time, I wanted to be a veterinarian. Sure, it was before I ever had to care for a living animal, but I read a lot about it.

Plenty of couples say they are having a 'starter' pet. A gerbil will get them ready for a cat. That cat gets them ready for a dog, and the dog gets them ready for a second dog. Eventually, maybe, if the timing is perfect, they may be ready for a baby. Because it's the same, right?

Truth be told, I made more of an effort bringing my kid into the world than you did your little fur ball. Not to say they don't have some similarities.

And yes, I am a pet owner. I have an annoying little cuddle-bug of a cat. His name is Bob. Most mornings we pass by each other in the hallway. My mom feeds him when she comes over, and cuddles him too. Layna has learned to kick him out of the bathroom and off the furniture. Come to think of it, I haven't seen him in awhile...

Let's play a game of child or dog. You decide.

5. You need to give yourself extra time before leaving the house.

The older they get, the more time it takes for to leave the house. They like their routine. Things need to be in their place, and no steps can be skipped. Walking out of the house, any toy or object in sight, obviously needs to come with us. There is no quick exit.

One last drink, one or two more bites. Before we go, let's take another quick lap around the house.

Oh, you're going to help me into the car? Let me wiggle to make it easier.

I don't want to sit in the back.

I don't want to be kept back here.

You need to sit by me.

I'm bored.

Are we there yet?

Somehow, no matter how much time you started with, you're now running late. #ImLateImLate.

Child or dog?

4. There are a whole lot of bodily functions.

Their food is all over the place. Their drink is splashed and splattered on the wall and the floor. And that lovely food and drink causes some wonderful things to happen.

You sit on the couch and they come to cuddle up beside you, and toot. The first one is funny, the next few are not. Each one, they seem not to notice.

Was that you?

Two minutes after getting inside, they need to go to the bathroom. Heaven-forbid they find a mysteriously old cracker behind the chair, because they will eat it and either spit the it out, or throw it up later. #ItWasALittleChewy.

Child or dog?

3. If they are awake, then you are awake.

It's after midnight and their up talking to themselves. Their hungry, tired, bored, and want to cuddle in bed with you.

Do not let them in your bed or your sleep is over!

They see the sun at 6am, and it must be morning. Not wanting you to miss the day, they of course call out for you. #RiseAndShine.

Child or dog?

2. Silence is never golden.

You've been sitting peacefully for 10 minutes when you realize...it's quiet. For the love of God, what are they getting into?!

The groceries you left on the floor, are now rearranged throughout the house. Scattered just the way they want them.

You didn't say 'no' when I started, I took your silence as approval.

Why would you take away my cracker?! #FindersKeepers.

Child or dog?

1. They are cuddly.

It's 100 degrees and humid, and they want to saddle up next to you. You're on the computer, and they sense that you need some company. You're feet are just planted there, it's best if they sit right on top.

Child or dog?

You decide.

Afraid you're going to miss a post? Maybe it's best that you subscribe via email. Or you know, you could go on being lame and living life haphazardly. It's worked out for you so far.

No comments: