Monday, August 8, 2016

You are pretentious...

This morning, I spoke Starbucks lingo at our local coffee shop.

Good morning. I will have a triple, grande, nonfat, vanilla latte.

What size is a grande?

Yes, I find it hard to believe that years at a local coffee spot have not clued you into the size of a grande. But, I understand you were calling me out in a not so direct way. What I meant to say:

Good morning, I would like a regular, nonfat, vanilla latte with an extra shot of espresso.

They mean the same thing, the first just comes off a bit pretentious. I bet the barista sensed I like Apple products and wear fake horn-rimmed glasses on the weekends. What can I say? Dressing like a showy, poet-liking, hipster makes me happy. No, I could not tell you what all the imagery means in that stanza, but it sounds interesting and I like it.

I try to be a locally-grown, owned, sold, manufactured, etcetera-consumer. It does not mean Starbucks does not taste good, or that Mr. Man-bun does not know my usual drink, but I am taking this morning's barista message to heart.

No one likes pretentiousness, not even my mom.

5. Do not offer people unsolicited advice.

We get it, you have lived. You know everything. Your child is a perfect, well-read, genius. Congrats. Seriously, job well-done. But, do not parent my child, and do not offer me advice for which I did not request. (Doesn't that sound pretentious?) 

Getting married, having a child, really just breathing, all seem to give people the inclination that they can tell you what to do. Or, more likely they will tell you what you should have done. The best advice is not only unsolicited, it is after-the-face and pretty much useless.

Oh, I should have kept breastfeeding? Thanks for letting me know I failed, especially since I am all dried up now.

I should have honeymooned in Europe. Thanks! I will just go back in time 6 years and book that flight.

It would have been better to stretch before that run? Perfect, I will just run backwards to undo the damage.


4. Do not avoid all contractions.

No worries, this is not pregnancy talk. We are moving on to English, because any pretentious fool keeps their tongues sharp and their every word dripping with drivel. 

Yes (never yeah), I have managed to avoid contractions thus far in this text. (At least I think so, I keep having to backtrack and remove them.) Indubitably. And, it's been annoying and quite difficult so I am stopping. We get it, you think you sound pretty intelligent, but you really just sound like you're trying too hard. Quit trying to impress us, it isn't working. #Transparent.

3. Don't correct everyone's grammar.

It's okay if we are friends with an established relationship; but, if we just met...lay off my grammar. Here's a clue, no one likes to have their grammar corrected. Trust me, my old friends explained that's why they left me. #GrammarOrGrammer.

I'm proud that you paid attention in English class, and have kept up on the practice. Really, it is impressive and I applaud you for the effort. Let's have a conversation, you can prove your grammar-prowess in a subtle, really inconceivable way. You're doing it best if I can't even catch on that you're shaming me with your use of pronouns and conjunctions. While you're doing that, I'm going to speak the way I always do and let you win. We don't need to draw attention to it, just know that you get the unspoken award for super-grammar-skills. #Winning.

2. Don't complain about hipsters.

Really, don't complain about any group of people. Cause guess what, you're not better than them. You're different, sure, but not better. You many shop at higher-end stores and properly use your salad fork, but that just makes you different. Here's a clue in life, your standards on what makes people good or bad, successful or failures, cool or lame, are not fact! Feel free to judge your own sweetness anyway you choose, but your measurements do not need to nor will they ever match mine.

This includes millennials or any other generation. The society we grew up in and helped shape is a valid discussion, but you don't get to call one better than the other. We get it, you think you're a gift to the human race. Congrats on that self-assessment, keep it to yourself.

1. Don't be a know-it-all.

Fun fact: no one actually knows everything, not even you. Just be honest with yourself and everyone around you. Please, please, please, respect that just because you choose to like something does not make it correct. Just because you prefer a course of action, doesn't make it the only plausible option. If you always win every discussion, get used to having no friends because it's going to happen. 

Secretly identifying with one or more pretentious item on this list? 
No worries, there is a chance for recovery. 
Take some time this week to try something you claim to hate, 
or support something you've openly criticized. 

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